We left off our saga of Justin and the Beanstalk with the younger wunderkind’s conquer the enormous ogre (Prime Minister Harper), as he swept away the broken democratic shards littering his kingdom within the sky, to the cries of pleasure from the Canadian peasants. Justin began energetically fulfilling at the very least some of his many guarantees. He rejoined the Paris Settlement on Local weather. Scientists breathed a sigh of aid as their withered vines acquired nourishment after 10 years of drought, and the muzzle on their proper to discuss the perils of worldwide warming was removed.
Justin’s first price range had goodies for almost everyone, together with a (small) improve on taxes on the wealthy. His finance minister Invoice Morneau proposed a $2-billion Low Carbon Financial system Fund to assist the provinces meet Canada’s climate change targets to scale back the heat-trapping greenhouse gases so beloved by the ogre’s pals in Alberta, with plans for a carbon tax to permit ‘inexperienced progress’ (certainly an oxymoron, but at the least green is not a nasty word).
To help alleviate the plight of Canada’s natives, Justin promised $eight.four billion in schooling, infrastructure, coaching, and a nationwide inquiry into Lacking and Murdered Indigenous Ladies and Women. He appointed truthful damsels (no matter expertise) to 50% of his cabinet seats, declaring himself a “proud feminist” dwelling in an period of equality. This included LGBTQIA, as he made attendance at their summer time parades a new ritual, giving them delight of place in his Valhalla.
Justin moved shortly to legalize a much prized weed, blessed with magical THC, beloved of youth, now accepted by much less cool elders. It will little question be his one undisputed legacy of spreading pleasure to every one.
However his early promise as a new leader with new concepts shortly misplaced its sheen. After 5 years, the weed continues to be not out there. It turned out Justin legalized it extra for the ogre’s allies, the firms. Peasants are limited to four crops, not sufficient for regular use, farmers included. Quickly company growers with such flashy names as Tweed, Maricann Inc., Peace Naturals Challenge Inc. and WeedMD Rx Inc. took the lead, constructing large, high safety factories, as provinces squabbled with Justin about learn how to regulate and tax this new marvel drug.
So much for the peasants, who might have grown the plant as crops ought to be grown, in daylight, underneath open skies, utilizing no ‘green progress’, simply Mother Nature. Perhaps making a small revenue from their arduous work.
Legalizing rape and pillage
For the actual Canadians, Canada’s Indigenous peoples, there was little to cheer, with only window dressing on the plight of girls, and no enchancment in entrenched racism or the continued despoliation of their lands. Justin’s worst determination was to proceed the ogre’s slavish devotion to the tarsands in Alberta, which rape and pillage Mother Nature. (Hey, I assumed he was supposed to protect us!)
Justin even paid the Kinder Morgan Trans Mountain pipeline shareholders, the ogre’s allies, $4.b, a lot to their joy. They might see that it was not a good idea, even for nongreen progress. So the peasants shortly joined forces with the natives from the Atlantic to the Pacific to save lots of not only native ladies from rape and pillage, but all Canadians, and their Mother Earth.
Even elite judges joined the peasants and natives, because the Federal Courtroom of Attraction overturned the government’s approval of the enlargement undertaking, citing that it did not sufficiently fulfill its constitutional duties to seek the advice of local First Nations groups, and because elevated tanker visitors would imperil the endangered orcas in the Pacific Ocean.
Justin betrayed even his youthful pals, occupied with ending the ogre’s ‘greatest good friend’ relationship with the ogre in Palestine, where the peasants endure excess of their cousins in Canada. Considered one of his first royal edicts was to rubber stamp the ogre’s movement concentrating on the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) marketing campaign towards Israel, the brainchild of Canada’s idealist youth, labelling these erstwhile allies anti-semites.
He also signed on to the ogre’s $15b arms sale to the world’s worst ogre, the Saudi prince bin Salman, who gleefully murdered and dismembered a pesky journalist, surprising the world’s peasants, however forgiven by our human rights champion, eager to supply machines of dying — something — to maintain the petrodollars rolling in.
This penchant to assist the ogre’s company associates led to a scandal which peaked in 2019, the Lavalin Affair, a cesspit of bribery and fraud. Justin dismissed his minister of justice, an indigenous lady, Jody Wilson-Raybould, for making an attempt to be trustworthy. Whew!
In the meantime, little ogres have sprung up in Alberta and Ontario, which, together with one in Saskatchewan, have been decided to scuttle Justin’s carbon tax, his inexperienced centerpiece, whereas gutting any hated environmental help they will discover in their provincial fiefdoms.
Preventing overseas foes
Justin’s document overseas is simply as disappointing as his home bungling. His highly effective Maid Chrystia has been barnstorming around the globe, wrestling with ogre Trump over NAFTA free commerce, profitable ‘concessions’ (not) which gutted Canadian milk farmers.
She squawks at every probability at her personal ogre, the dastardly Vlad (Putin) over Ukraine and Crimea, and his evil Venezuelan henchman — with no effect, nevertheless it positive is fun! She pecked timidly at bigtime ogre bin Salman over his persecution of female crows — with no impact, however it’s the politically right thing to do … The record is lengthy and her successes at greatest a mirage.
When bin Salman orchestrated the spectacular medieval torture and execution ritual of journalist Khashoggi, Justin and Maid Chrystia informed their ogre pal (who owes them $four.5b) ‘this was under no circumstances good,’ whispering, ‘however we’ll flip a blind eye, simply this as soon as.’
As for the good anti-ogre forces China and Russia, Justin advised them they have been the ogres, consistent with directions from the good white ogre to the south of Canada. Even if they are a tad ogrish, Justin and Chrystia’s shrill falsetto harping merely makes them chuckle.
When Justin arrested Chinese language Canadian Huawei Chief Monetary Officer Meng Wanzhou, intending handy her over to ogre Trump to be devoured as a sacrificial offering to American liberty, the Chinese dragon flashed its fiery breath, arresting and even sentencing to dying several Canadian peasants unwittingly caught in the crossfire
Promising a peaceful overseas coverage, to finish defeated ogre Harper’s sabre-rattling in Afghanistan, Syria, and Africa, as an alternative Canadians were given the other, with a new NATO mission in Iraq and troops despatched to Latvia (!), solemnly claiming Russia was a menace to plucky Latvia (given its independence by the Soviet Union in 1991). That is in stark distinction to Justin’s father’s clear policy of peaceable coexistence with the then-Soviet Union. Again, in contrast to father Pierre Elliot, Justin refused to help the worldwide marketing campaign for nuclear disarmament (WHY?).
Oh yes, 25,000 Syrian refugees. That, along with Maui wowie, will be the beanstalker’s constructive legacy. Multicultural munchies for all!
As for ‘peacekeeping’, Canadian troops have been despatched to Mali to police a stand-off with al-Qaeda insurgents, but it isn’t the peacekeeping mission Trudeau promised his peasantry. Regardless of pledging as much as 600 peacekeepers and 200 police, Trudeau has delivered less than half that number of peacekeepers and no civilian cops.
With the deaths of 177 peacekeepers in Mali — 22 of whom have been killed in 2018 alone — Mali is probably the most dangerous ‘peacekeeping’ mission in UN historical past. Justin (correctly, for as soon as) refused to extend the mission past 12 months. But what was the point within the first place? That’s hardly sufficient time to recover from jetlag.
Ministry of Foolish Walks
We haven’t even acquired to Justin’s bodily deformity, being mysteriously born with two left ft. Throughout a visit to India, Trudeau dressed as if for Halloween, and for his celebration prank sent a formal dinner invitation to Jaspal Atwal, an tried assassin from a Sikh group that India ranks as a terrorist group. Although the invite was ultimately rescinded, it definitely made an enduring impression on his Indian counterpart, Narendra Modi.
On one other cringe-worthy occasion, the self-proclaimed “proud feminist” interrupted a young lady at a political event for using the time period “mankind,” explaining pedantically that the right nomenclature was “peoplekind.” In the era of social media, the place such gaffs shortly go viral, Justin has sadly developed a popularity for his “foolish walks” somewhat than any real successes.
As elections loom in 2019, Justin and his realm look to be in very dangerous form. He seems to turning into a reincarnation of the ogre. Ogre Harper has watched the drama (farce?) from the sidelines, his picture truly enhancing as Justin’s finances explodes, as his heavenly realm is as soon as once more threatened by the capitalist ogredom by way of his lack of expertise, his lack of wisdom.
Will Justin’s Liberals go crashing down, like their pals in Ontario and Alberta? Will Canada proceed to be laughed at as a junior companion to ogres US and Israel, bereft of its seat at the UN Safety Council due to its unprincipled kingship? Will Justin be fed his pet crow Maid Chrystia at the election day smorgasbord in August?
Justin’s beanstalk is battered, wilted, in peril of collapsing. It seems the ‘proud feminist’ might use a robust dose of testosterone.